Requiem for a Loser, pt. I

We can only love memories, and their flesh is always ours. So the real hard task is to learn to love ourselves.

I usually don't regret what I do. But this time it was strange. I miss laying down at the parks and watching the dark clouds. I miss watching the ground from the sky.

I was going through a bad moment. I was confused and my life was surreal.

And just to make things worse, I got a letter ordering me to leave the apartment in 48 hours, and I, instead of looking for something, wasted time around and gave a damn about everything. Must've been some kind of self-defense, a kind of virus that had infected my brain and made my feelings numb. So I took more painkillers than usual... So I took more antidepressant than usual... and people started leaving me alone that way.

Then, a caring soul in the shape of a well-suited gentleman came around and gave me an address where some apartments were abandoned recently. Next night, I took some tools and keys and put them in a bag next to my sleeping bag and some candles, so I could 'inhabit' one of them.

The address turned out to be real: I saw 3 abandoned buildings. The last one was the one I liked the most. Looking through the windows, I decided it would be first one to explore. Ten minutes were enough to break the lock. The street was quiet, even the wind stayed still. With the light of a candle, I looked around. The house was small, but cleaner than usual, so I hurried to put a new lock in the door. It was as easy as stealing a bag of tomatoes.

Then, I lit up the rest of the candles and distributed them around the only room apartment, it was a ballroom and bedroom at the same time. I saw a big bed with a leopard print sheet covering it. The rest of the place was in pretty good shape. It was... way too clean. By an instant, I thought i had stepped into a big problem... but I explored the rest of the house; which was the drawers.

I found some condoms and some strange black-leather clothes, also a black whip. I checked the closet: red and yellow feathers, handcuffs, scarves... Only thing I could think in that moment was: "Damn! No money and nothing of real value!" But then, I found some pictures on the ground; pictures of a girl that sometimes was blonde, others brunette, sometimes she was Stella or Martha or Vanessa... or Samantha. That's when it hit me: whoever she really was, she must've left in a hurry for an emergency or escaping some kind of threat.

I have really bad luck: someone was knocking at the door. I jumped, took my hammer nervously and moved silently to the door.
- Who is it?
- Sam.
- What you want?

No one answered and I opened the door. There he was... the guy that gave me the address.
- Can I step inside?

Didn't see a reason why he couldn't get in, so he stepped inside. He offered me $400 dollars, which is a good amount of money for me. I took the money and then he took his clothes off... it was her... "Stella? Martha? Vanessa? No. Samantha." That must be her real name and she was only wearing her underwear in front of me.
- Is this all right? What do you want me to do?

I said nothing....
- You want me to take everything off?
- Yeah. -I said silently

Then she asked 'What you want me to do?' again. She was pretty nervous, it was worse for her than it's been for me. At least, something was better.
- I have some wine over there... -she said
- I'll get it.

I went to the kitchen for the wine and came back with half glass of it. She drank it pretty fast and then she asked me the same damned question again. I stepped close to her, just an inch away from her face and stared at her eyes.
- I want you to shut up.

She put her arms around my neck taking the opportunity since I was that close. So, we did the only thing I could do at that moment...

Autor: James Jack